Off Topic

My girlfriend and I were talking last night, and she said that I should start an on-line church. 'Tithing' would unlock spiritual messages and so forth. She said it would be a shame to waste 20+ years of religion I had, and that even during economically troubling times churches still do well.
I said, If there were a hell that would totally qualify me to go there.
She said, If there is a hell you are already qualified to go there!
Church for money, now there's a concept I didn't realize was tied to my Mormon roots. But turns out of course like everything that makes me cringe a little, that it's tied to the Mos. Of course if you're a Mo, you will most likely serve the church your whole life and you will have  done it for free. Unless of course you're deemed righteously 'lucky' enough to become an apostle. In that case you are given a living stipend. Does anyone know how much they actually make? I feel like I knew at one time, but can't seem to put my finger on it and don't feel like poking around the internet.
Anyway, I seriously doubt I'm going to become an on-line pastor although 'Pastor Jack' does have a nice ring to it. I'm more about words and less about pizzazz and I feel like you really have to sell people there religion. Words alone aren't enough to get them to 'feel' anything. So I think I'll just stick with bitching about having once been Mormon.

Magic Underwear

Now, I've seen women wear underwear that definitely made 'magic' happen. I tell you what, the Mormon garments do not have the same effect. The magic knickers are supposed to remind people of the covenants they've made in the temple, but they also serve as a locator to determine what is 'modest' and there for become the un-sexiest britches ever!.
If an individual is doing everything they're supposed to then the garments are both a physical and spiritual armor against evil. I think the most common Urban-Mormon Legend is of someone getting badly burned, and the burns stopped at the garments (which honestly if my face gets burned off one day, I'm not going to give a shit about my other body parts (well, save 1)). There are of course variations on that story but that's the jist of it. Everyone has an Uncle whose friend this happened to.
I think my favorite thing about the G's are the 4 S's. Showering, Swimming, Sex and Sports. The 4 times you're allowed to take off your Jesus Jammies. All wonderful justifications to whip your shirt off and show off your awesome farmer's tan!
Now I don't feel like going into the boring details about what the markings symbolize. If you wanna know go to wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temple_garment. Instead, I'm going to talk about the things that are  taught about them. For example an old timer told me that the ladies garments used to have a fly. This perplexing feature raised a question, why would the lady's garments have a fly? The only reason is that 1 of the 4 S's might actually required the deed to be done with the garments on. Honestly, what was Joe thinking! Here he comes up with this great idea,"I'm gonna have me a shit load of wives!" and then he goes and takes all the fun out of having a harem. Now, don't get me wrong, a passionate jam with some clothes still on will happen from time to time but it shouldn't be the standard. Now Mormons don't teach that this was the purpose of the woman's fly, but the garment markings are symbolic, so why would they put on a useless feature? Also I don't know if that is even true. Old men like to tell stories.
Now here is my defense for the often scoffed at bulky undies. So so so many religions have sacred garments. Hasidic Jews for example. They have changed and changed the garments so that they will accommodate the LDS people's life-styles and still retain it's symbolic value. Summer garments, winter garments, military garments. I don't think it makes the religion true, but there is something comforting to know there is flexibility with some of the rules.
Honestly, I never understood why people cared so much about the 'magic underwear'. I suppose because Mormons are instructed to not show people, and keep the sacred symbols secret. But has it ever dawned on anyone that the real reason Mormon's don't show people their G's is that they are ugly as hell?!

What Chu Talkin' 'bout

According to the 7th Article of Faith Mormons have one more thing they have to justify believing that they don't really believe.
We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.
Tongues. Mormons generally attribute Missionaries learning and teaching a foreign language as having the gift of tongues. To Mormons it's either speaking in another language, or understanding another language. Rather than the gibberish some Christians believe it is. The times I've heard Christians speaking in tongues it just sounds like this to me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zkJqC78b_w&feature=related.
So let that be a lesson, if you study really hard everyday and use a foreign language everyday you will have the gift of tongues and be able to speak in that language.

Other Worlds

I grew up being taught that there were other worlds like Earth, and that Jesus was the Savior of all of them. Talk about a jip! Can you imagine being born on some other Earth and hearing about some guy named Jesus who was born on some other planet? That would be like when there's some mega-event and you can go to the movie theater to watch it. Kinda not really the same thing.
However, I was also taught that Jesus could have gone to those other Earths after he teleported away from the BoM people. Which is pretty sweet compensation for the whole crucifixion thing if you ask me. He got to jet set around the Universe and visit other worlds! Sounds sweet to me, but I am a Star Trek fan. On the down side, he did have to teach the same things over and over again. Like the Eagles playing Hotel California for the billionth time. I'm sure he lost some of his pazzaz, unless of course he learned some new tricks or got a truck-a-saurus or something. Who knows the sweet ways Jesus got those alien bastards to swallow the beatitudes. Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the ... wait what's the name of this dump again?

Utah Mormons vs The World

To anyone who is not LDS it might seem a little odd there is a difference between Utah-Mormon and every other Mormon. Well there is. In fact if you can tell the difference between the two you'd probably prefer the regular Mormon over the Utah-Mormon, most people do.

Many Mormon's hate Utah-Mormons. You'd think that everyone would be scratchin' to get into Utah. Mormons out side of Utah must feel like Red Wolves roaming their whole lives without finding any ass to sniff and never getting to know what wolfie-style is. Mormons are only about 1.5 - 2 % of the US population (this stat includes the 1.8 million Mormons living in Utah so the likelihood of finding a Mormon outside of Utah is even less), so why would you hate on a place that could provide you with the most options for Mormon friends, entertainment, literature, temples, modest clothing, businesses that observe the Sabbath, strict liquor laws, proximity to churches, a spouse (Not to mention the landscape of Utah fucking rules!!!).   

Because Utah Mormons forget about everyone else, and cannot relate to them in any way. Utah Mormons hate it when regular Mormons say they had it tough, and it's harder to be Mormon outside of Utah. Mormons everywhere often have an unspoken righteousness pissing competition. Utah Mormons come across lazy to Mormons living everywhere else because they are not as 'in the world' as Utah Mormons. Utah Mormons automatically assume other Mormons are simply jealous and that is why they act the way they do. Both think they're better than the other. 

In rural Utah, in towns like the one I grew up in, the percentage of the population that is Mormon is ridiculously high! In these places the people really are trapped in a bubble. My town has no coffee shops, no liquor stores, and no tattoo parlors. Only a very few people sneak to the grocery store on Sundays, and most businesses aren't open at all. In high school I worked at a grocery store that was closed Sundays and required a BYU like dress and grooming code because it is owned by Mormons.

In high school when a boy was using a urinal, a common joke was to say, "Hey Jack, if you shake it more than three times you have to talk to the bishop." It is very likely that you go to church with your teachers. One time I was driving home on the freeway and got stuck behind a semi in one lane and a someone barely pushing the minimum speed limit in the other. I had just been to Europe where it is perfectly ok to flash your lights and give a little honk to tell people to get the hell out of the way. I don't remember why I was in a hurry, but I was and I decided to try this little trick to see if it worked. It didn't really work but eventually I got around them and sped off to home. The next Sunday as Testimony meeting and the woman I flashed my lights at told the congregation about the rude, inconsiderate, vial, reckless maniac in the car that she recognized as belonging to someone in the congregation who she had thought, up until that point was a good person. And how disappointed she was to find out I was a scumbag. 

Forget about buying condoms or a pregnancy test in small town Utah. Everyone will know about it and your Bishop will call you up to see if you have anything to confess. Utah Mormons may have somethings easier than other Mormons, but they also have the ever present Big Brother eye of nosy neighbors and judgmental dicks.  

The Plan

So, here is the Plan of Salvation, aka The Plan of Happiness. Refer to this cute drawing as much as possible during my description.

A long time ago Heavenly Father said, "Y'all need bodies like this sweet one I've got, but the process is complicated. If we decide to do this, some of you wont be coming back. Mortal bodies are subject to temptation, and if you sin you can't come back. Here's the catch, when you get your mortal body, you're not going to remember this conversation."

So Lucifer says, "Don't worry Pops. I'll make sure everyone comes back, because I will make them do what is right. But I want the credit and glory for doing so."

The Jesus (the brown-noser) says, "I'll live perfectly and atone for everyone's sins, and the glory will be yours Daddio!"

So this gets everyone good and pissed and a spiritual war breaks out. Thanks to Michael's fiery sword of destruction, Jesus' side wins, and Lucifer and his peeps get kicked out and sent to Earth never to receive a body.

(spoiler alert) Since you were born, it means you fought on Jesus' side. 

As the illustration indicates when you come to Earth you pass though the veil of forget-i-ness, and your test begins. Hopefully you chose to be Mormon, and go to the temple for all your ancestors, because eventually you will die. Your body goes into the ground to wait for the resurrection, and your spirit goes to either Spirit Prison or Spirit Paradise (both are sill on Earth). 

In the Spirit World people will continue to learn and do missionary work and if you decide there that you want to be Mormon cool, you can be (assuming someone living goes to the temple for you)(if no one does, don't worry, that shit will be straightened out during the millennium).

Then the resurrection. Everyone born is also resurrected. Which means your crappy mortal body gets turned into a bad-ass glorified immortal body and is reunited with your spirit.

Then we get judged. Pretty self-explanatory. If you're a dick your whole life, that might be something that gets brought up at your judgement. 

If you're Mormon, and did everything you're supposed to do. You go to the Celestial Kingdom. If you aren't Mormon but still a good person you go to the Terrestrial Kingdom. And everyone else goes to the Telestial Kingdom, that's right, ever murderers and rapists.

In the 3 kingdoms you can travel around, but you can never go above where you were originally assigned. That means since my parents are good Mormons they can come down to visit me (since I'm a non-believer, but still an ok person) but I can't go up to visit them. We're told that the Telestial Kingdom isn't really that bad. Kinda like Earth is now, and it gets better from there.

There is something this cute little drawing doesn't show and that place is called Outer Darkness. You have to be a 'Son of Perdition' to go there, and that's really not very easy to do. We're told that the total of those who go there can be counted on one hand. You basically have to be a fallen prophet to qualify for Outer Darkness.

Good news, there is no Hell! No burning lakes of fire. No brimstone. No creepy clown demons like in the Spawn comics. There will just be an eternity of irony as you realize South Park was right and the only people in "Heaven" are the Mormons!!! 

I was going to post a picture of Easter 2009 when we had a boxing match between Jesus and the Easter bunny. But i couldn't find it. I'll have to look on my other computer. Instead, a friend sent me this awhile ago because I always said I needed a category for "I don't care". That's right, I am an Apatheist.

I did find the dry-erase board announcement for the fight. Here it is. I'll post the real thing if I think about getting the image off from my home computer.

Are You a Good Spirit or a Bad Spirit

Most kids are taught what to do in case of a fire, earth quake, terrorist attack, or if propositioned by a strangers. Play dead if you're attacked by a bear. Make yourself as big as possible and back away slowly if you encounter a cougar (the mountain lion... not the sexually persistent older woman). Hug a tree. Stop drop and roll. Just say no.
The one I was taught that most American children aren't is the Good Spirit/Bad Spirit test.
There may be times in your life when a spirit might try to talk with you, or give you direction. If you see a spirit and it tries to talk to you or tell you to do something, it is important to know whether it is from the Devil, or from God. Luckily there is a simple test to find out what you're dealing with.
Ask to shake the spirit's hand.
Here's what will happen. If it is a good spirit, it will either shake your hand (only if it is a resurrected being) or will decline, as it cannot since it hasn't yet received a body.
However, if it is an evil spirit he will not be able to resist the temptation to shake your hand. It wants nothing more than to possess a body that it will try to shake your hand, but will be unable to do so, since it will never receive a body of it's own.

(I won't even tell you how much this freaked out as a kid. I just thought,"Great, now I have tricked an evil spirit who, up until this point, was trying to remain civil. Now he's pissed off and wants a body." I imagined the girl from the exorcist moments before the spider crawling and the puking, asking the demon if she could shake it's hand. I knew people could get possessed by evil spirits, because my dad says he cast one out once.)

I worked in a temple for 4 years as a cook in the cafeteria. Now usually the only people that work in temples are old retired folks, because they've got the time. Also Mormons love to think that the veil between this world and the spirit world is some how thinner in the temples. Plus there's no way in shit an evil spirit can get into the temple, so you know if you see something that it is one of the good guys. I tell you what the people I talked to in the temple had some pretty goddamn entertaining stories about the shit they'd seen roaming around the halls. Old people + religion = great stories!
Anyway, if anyone has any paranormal stories, please share. I won't believe you, but I'm sure it's still a good story!

The Uber-abridged Book of Mormon

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away...  granted the Book of Mormon might have been more exciting if it had light sabers and wookies, but what are you gonna do, it was written in the 1830's.
Here's the plot break down really quickly.
A family from the tribe of Manasseh, was told by God to get the hell out of Jerusalem. They peaced out, built a boat and with the Lord in their sales went to the 'promised land' (America). No one knows where in America (my Dad, who spent his summers in Guatemala and Mexico studying this, says Central America) but everyone has a theory.
The family had many members, but the key members were a good son and a bad son. Nephi = good, Laman = bad. The two brother's squabbling sets the tone for the whole book. In fact, there were multiple times when Laman would have killed Nephi, however since Nephi was righteous the Lord saved his ass. That is what is called foreshadowing. (Spoiler Alert!) The book ends with the destruction of the Nephites because they had stopped being righteous, and as a result the Lamanites wipe them out. The Nephites and the Lamanites are always fighting, but sometimes the Nephites are good and sometimes the Lamanites are good, but it's usually the Nephites that are righteous.
During the first 600 years of this story, these people obey the law of Moses. Then around 32-33 AD the earth sneezes, hick-ups, burps, farts, and queefs all at the same time and the result is 3 days of darkness. (Those who knew the signs knew this meant JC would be comin' to town soon. But most people just freaked out.) On the other side of the planet the Jews had just killed the Christ out of Jesus and he was chillin' in the tomb.
Anyway after Jesus woke up and hungout with his bros and hoes, proving to them that he was bigger than both John Lennon and 2-Pac (get it? that's a joke for 2 reasons), he showed the world that he had learned a new magic trick, and teleported himself to America. Not only that, but he gets a talk-show-host-worthy introduction for his dear old Dad. So, he teaches these lost tribesman basically the same things he taught everyone in the New Testament, except this time no one nails his ass to the wall.
After Jesus has taught them everything he thinks they need to know, he takes off. And the Book of Mormon people do pretty good for awhile. But eventually the pessimistic dicks (this is the tribe I came from) cause everyone to be total heathens and both the Nephites and the Lamanites decide to settle their differences in a way that makes the battles in Braveheart, Lord of the Rings, and Saving Private Ryan all look like a toddler playing with his tub toys.
During this time of epic carnage that would eventually kill off every last Nephite, there were two Nephites that still believed in the Gospel of JC. One guy who was basically one of those dudes who runs a rare book story. He was a collector and a reader. He had the writings and scriptures of their people from the time they left Jerusalem, 1000 years worth of writings. This is none other than.... wait for it... Mormon. So have you figured it out yet? The reason the Book of Mormon runs in chronological order is because this dude Mormon made an abridged record of the history and teachings of his people. Unfortunately Mormon died before it was totally complete, so his son Moroni (the gold dude on the top of Mormon temples) finished it. He then grabs a few knick-knacks and his daddy's book and makes a time capsule. He writes one last note in the back of the book and then buries it away where it sat until the Angel Moroni (this is the same guy, just dead now) tried to earn his wings by telling the young Joey Smith about it.
And there it is. That's what's in the Book of Mormon. Here are some cartoons so you can learn more about the book of Mormon without actually having to read it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKGEeRBy8ek  (Abinadi and the evil Kind Noah (yes, in the Book of Mormon Noah is a bad guy's name))
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKyLYIpZbEY&feature=relmfu (We are as the armies of Helaman, we have been taught in our youth!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6O5VN_o6tP8&feature=relmfu (And this one is about Mormon and Moroni)

Now, here's my 2 cents.
-Criticisms of the BoM are many. But stop the Archaeological evidence angle as proof that it isn't real. The Book of Mormon people could have been Mayan. It is said that Joseph Smith translated the BoM from reformed Egyptian. Guess who has a whole fucking lot in common with the Egyptians? The god damn Mayans!!!
Stop the DNA angle. People say that Native American DNA and Jewish DNA should be the same since the Native Americans are supposed to be the ancestors of the Lamanites. And Laman was on the boat that came from Jerusalem. Manasseh damn it! People if you don't know what you're talking about shut the hell up! Here's an Old Testament lesson numb skulls: Judah and Manasseh formed 2 different tribes. Guess which tribe the Jews came from? You people want science to help you understand religion? That is easily the most idiotic concept I have ever heard. I'm still waiting for the paternity test the proves Jesus was the son of God!
-Who cares if Joseph Smith made it all up, or if God bestowed magical translation powers on him. Think about the 2 options.
#1 It's true. The whole thing, Mormons, polygamy, becoming a god, they are right and you are wrong.  
#2 He made it up! Dude this story is more complex than Harry Potter and Joe didn't take 10+ years to write it all. The dude convinced his dad that he was a prophet! I have never, not once, convinced my dad of anything! He also convinces dozens of woman to marry him. He convinces thousands (during his life) and now millions of people that God restored the truth on Earth through him. He had the balls to say,"Y'all, every single one of you, are wrong! and guess what, I'm right!" Joseph Smith is the most under-appreciated figure in American history.

Heavenly Mother

(This doctrine is just a tad complicated. I'll do my best to simplify the many concepts swimming around this topic.)
     First of all, do Mormon's believe this. Yes! Do they know how it works? Mmmmm, kinda.
I don't know if anyone has a serious lock on this one. The ramifications of a Heavenly Mother make this one of the things Mormons get criticized for the most.
     It has been said that a God is the union of celestial man and woman. When the bible says God, it is usually referring to Jesus, who is Jehovah. However, Jehovah is not the Father. No one knows Heavenly Father's or Mother's name (I'll get into the Jehovah thing more when I talk about the trinity in another post). There are times in the bible when God does not refer to Jesus it is possible in these instances that it is a combination of the Father and the Mother. Here is an example from the book of Genesis:

     And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:

'Us' would be the curious word in this sentence. Is this the 'royal we' or something else. Honestly I don't know, the bible has been translated many times and who knows what Moses' original sentence was.
     Mormons do not pray to Heavenly Mother, nor do they really worship her. Think about this like the Mormon priesthood. Women aren't allowed to hold the priesthood or preside over meetings. But that's not to say that they're not respected. It just means that they don't have the authority to act in the name of the Father.
Also, let me just say, Mormons are in it for the long haul. They're working on eternal progression. As I've mentioned in other posts, eternal marriage is a necessary ordinance to go to the highest degree of the Celestial kingdom for only 1 reason.
Now, let me throw a little monkey into this gumbo.
"As man is God once was, as God is man may become."
Non-Mormons hate this. Actually as a missionary I hated this too. It really comes across as pretentious when you say that eventually you'll be a God! Anyway, if God was like us, and we are commanded to get married for eternity, then it stands to reason that Heavenly Father has himself a little filly. And when they were like us they had some sort of eternal marriage.

Please Don’t Missunderstand

This is not an anti-Mormon blog. I do not have anything against The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. However, I have found that many people like to be able to talk about something without feeling like they’re talking to a sales person.

I have taken the Kirby Vacuum salesman training, and I have also been trained as a missionary. The two were eerily similar. So I am neither converting, or bashing. Merely providing information and conversation to a world where Mormon-fact and Mormon-fiction are very different.

I was recently asked if growing up Mormon screwed me up. The answer was a quick, “Oh yeah. Totally.” Followed by a friend’s laugh of affirmation, and a cousin’s awkward giggle-cough. It’s strange, I don’t believe in my God, or yours, but I still think about things as a comparison between the two. Basically meaning, that I will never truly be free.

So, I accept my bondage, and have created this Blog as a safe place to ask and discuss anything Mormon. They are both totally normal and completely insane, but understanding why can only be done by someone like myself, the ‘Jane Goodall of Mormons’.

Mitt Romney and Mormon Prophecy

Growing up as a Mormon there was always a word of mouth Joseph Smith prophecy we were told regarding the ‘last days’. Here is the jist of it: In the last days the United States will be on the verge of crumbling. The constitution will be hanging by a thread (a brittle thread), but will be saved due to the rise of a Mormon leader.  The interpretation of this that was bestowed upon me in seminary, Sunday school, and from my father, is that just before Jesus comes back there will be a Mormon President who will save the U.S. from destroying it’s self.

Remember what I said at the first. This is a ‘word of mouth’ prophecy. I originally thought that this was in an early Mormon publication called, “The Times and Season”. However I have had a difficult time finding this in Joseph’s actual words. Brigham Young and many other prominent LDS leaders have quoted the martyred prophet, but finding it in the founder’s words is difficult. [omg isn't that kinda like the Holy Bible?]

So, Mitt Romney is Mormon. He did some awesome things in Massachusetts; he organized the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City (ps the SLC Olympic games were amazingly successful due to many volunteers who spoke many different languages… aka people who used to be Mormon Missionaries). He’s squeaky clean. There’s no Watergate. No Bill Clinton-esque impeachment (banging interns). No George Bush Jr style idiocracies. His only crime is being Mormon, which carries with it some connotations, yes, but it seems the Nation is focusing more on the quirkiness of Mormonism rather than his qualifications (not to mention the virtues of having a Mormon president). My point is, he seems more qualified for the job than Obama was. [fyi that wasn't a slam on Obama, I was as in-love with him as everyone else. I really want to give him another chance, but I am not writing an Obama blog, nor am I writing an 'I should have voted for Hilary' blog.]

Are Mormons stoked about Romney?

- You bet your ass they are!

Is it because of the ‘White Horse Prophecy’?

- No!!! It’s because we have been lied to, lied to, and disappointed with the last 3 presidents (don’t ask me about Reagan, all I remember about him was my Dad shushing me during one of his State of the Union addresses)(ps way back in the 80′s I was saying, “Hey dad, look at this.” He said shush. So I did what I was going to show him, jump from a side table and touch the basement ceiling. [Mission Accomplished] However I did not stick the landing and broke both my tailbone and the fireplace hearth. I couldn’t sit down for months and I remember writhing in agony every time I had to sit, or lay down. So don’t talk to me about Reagan being a saint. I won’t hear you. I have too much Pavlovian association with him.)

Is Romney the Mormon ‘White Horse’?

-Who cares? Worst case scenario, Yes. People (including me) have to admit that the Mormons were right all along. But… [wait for it]… Jesus comes back. (are you kidding me) That would not be bad news. Don’t forget, this is the man who has suffered everything that you have suffered. Could you ask for a better judge? (idk about cock-tales or his stance on medicinal marijuana, but the dude liked wine, hookers, and he hated corruption and liers. , my kind of guy.) What will likely happen… Obama beats him, and America continues on the ‘slow track’ to recovery. So the U.S. has to admit to riding the ‘short bus’ for awhile. Our GDP is still 2x that of China’s. Believe me they still need us more than our debt is worth.

So, my point in all of this is chill out. Worry more about the next Micheal Bay movie (did you hear he is doing the next Ninja Turtles movie?) and leave religion out of politics. If America was ideological we would vote for Ron Paul. If you’re going to be afraid of Mormons, be afraid of Glenn Beck. If you don’t like Obama vote for Romney (like I said worse case scenario, in a couple years we get 1000 years of no Satan).

Mormons with Horns

Among the myths surrounding Mormons, this is easily my favorite. Hell, I wish I had horns, that would be bad ass. Before I get into the history behind this let me just say that Mormons everywhere, in and out of Utah would command so much more respect if we were at least roaming around like Darth Maul, or at best sportin’ prongs like the devil in ‘Legend’! Can you imagine? Those from Utah would never again have to answer the annoying question of, “Are you Mormon?” cuz the proof would be right there, menacingly in the faces of everyone who dares take a gander.

Anyway the best I can figure is this originated as a slam against Mos from Protestant leaders since Joseph Smith started talking about how wrong the Protestants were. However, my theory to the origins of this awesome rumor makes for a very short post so let me tell you some of the other origin theories.

In old England it was said that cuckolds have horns.  

(This would be obviously in regards to the early Mormons being polygamists and therefore the women wound be the ones with horns. However a cuckold is supposed to be a man whose wife is unfaithful, so that doesn’t really work.)

Early copies of Encyclopedia Britannica stated that Mormons have horns.

(And early copies of Webster’s Dictionary define me as handsome with a monster cock. It’s true… I swear,  next time you run across a dictionary from the 18(fucking)50′s don’t forget to look it up!)

There’s another story that says a drunken mob was on the opposite side of a river from an encampment of Church members. The mob was all pissed and shouting and being drunk. The poor little Mormons were scared, so one of the brothers went over to the edge of the river and shouted that if they came across the river they would be gored by their horns. Which supposedly worked and the mob left.

(First of all it was a mob, second they were drunk… so I’m pretty sure the mob’s response would have been something more like, “Fuck you and your horns!” “I’ll shove his horns right up his ass and make him watch while I fuck all 10 of his wives!” “Yeah lets get ‘em!”)

Anyway, I really wish this rumor was true. Except I’m sure my horns would have been a little on the small side and I would have of course convinced myslf that horn size and penis size have no corrolation. I’d love to hear more justifications/origin stories for this. However I’ll probably have to go back to church to get the really hard to believe stories!

General Conference

This Saturday is the 182 General Conference. For me Conference was a glorious time when I didn’t have to go to church and instead slept on the floor while my family watched the apostles talk about doctrine and daily living on TV.

In Salt Lake however, it is the time of year when you don’t want to drive down town, when all the restaurants get a well needed shot in the arm, and when all the annoying wacko protesters come out to tell the Mormons they are going to hell (never quite understood why they think that will work).

If you’re unfamiliar with these protesters here  is a clip of the devil mocking them. Pretty funny (but there’s no need to watch the whole thing).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RUF7Vw5wQw

So, everyone in SLC, don’t forget to avoid down town during the following times on Saturday and Sunday.

Saturday: 9-10 ish am, 12-1 ish pm, 5-6 pm, and 8-9 pm

Sunday: 9-10 ish am, 12-1 ish pm

Food service workers, put on your most Mormo-friendly smiles, practice your MILF flirting and get ready to be busy.

And finally Protesters, give it a rest this year. You’re just contributing to the chaos that occurs when this event happens 2 times a year. and you’re fueling Mormon conviction.

I'm a Mormon

No, not me. I’m talking about all those people on the billboards. The ‘I’m a Mormon’ campaign. Created to show how Mormons are just like everyone else. How Mormons are perfectly diversified.  Here are some examples of what I’m talking about!

Mormons are disabled rock climbers, dudes with awesome white hair, pretty girls, fugly guys and so on, you can see the photos. Oh and that one made me think, “Am I a Mormon…. or am I a Muppet?” (ok that joke doesn’t really work if you don’t know the song from the new Muppet movie.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRTjksM3YAs&feature=fvst)

In case you are wondering what the actual statistics are (well 5 year old statistics) here’s a link to Wikipedia’s World Mormon stats. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Church_of_Jesus_Christ_of_Latter-day_Saints_membership_statistics

Here are the top 10 countries that the omnipotent wiki says has the most Mormons:

1. USA – 6,144,582

2. Mexico – 1,197,573

3. Brazil – 1,102,674

4. Philippines – 631,885

5. Chile – 561,920

6. Peru – 480,816

7. Argentina - 380,669

8. Guatemala – 202,296

9. Ecuador – 190,498

10. UK – 186,082

With in the US the racial break down of the Mormon population is something like this (according to http://www.pewforum.org/Christian/Mormon/A-Portrait-of-Mormons-in-the-US.aspx#3):

White 86%

Black 3%

Hispanic 7%

Other 5%

-What the hell’s your point Brother Jack?

Well, my point is that those billboards are very racially diverse. When the truth is you’re more likely to develop colon cancer than you are to meet a black Mormon in the US.

My first thought was that the timing of the church’s billboard campaign and Romney’s politically campaign was a little peculiar. The LDS church has always taken a ‘we don’t endorse any candidate’ stance regarding politics and elections. However this seems like the church is at very least indirectly trying to persuade the US populous that it is ok to vote for Romney.

Of course the same reason’s the sign is good for Romney are the same reason’s it is good for the LDS church. If people don’t think Mormon’s are strange, if they identify themselves as something other than white they might be more likely to let those 2 conservatively dressed young men in their homes to hear their message.

Anyway, I’m rambling, so I’ll just say it appears the billboards are targeted towards young adults and minorities, and if you remember 4 years ago those 2 demographics are a big reason Obama won. Is the LDS church intentionally helping Romney gain a little bit of favor with those groups? I don’t know.

Word of Wisdom for Dummies (for the weak and the weakest of Saints)

Ok, so Mormons don’t drink alcohol, coffee and tea and don’t use tobacco. Most people know that part. Critics of the religion usually start crying hypocrisy because Mormons won’t drink coffee, but will drink Coke. However what is stressed a lot more than almost anything else is to avoid meat at all cost, yet eating meat is not a sin. [People if you're gonna call someone a hypocrite load your gun with the right ammo first!]  Below is my translation of the scriptures. The background info that I was taught growing up was that Brother Joseph was approached by his wife regarding members of the church spitting chewing tobacco on the floor, and that it was nasty.

verses 1-4

We’re gonna call this the ‘Word of Wisdom’, and it is God’s new decree to you because some of you can’t handle your shit! Also, there are people that might take advantage of you, so we’re gonna cover are bases with a few new rules.

5-7

Don’t drink alcohol. You can have a little bit for the sacrament (communion) but be sure you know where it came from, because no one likes you guys and they might poison it [it was later changed and Mormons use water as the blood of Christ now]. It’s ok to use alcohol but only to sanitize stuff.

8

Tobacco is not good for you. However, it is an herb, and can be used on bruises [I was also told it's good for bee stings] and I guess if your cows are sick you can give it to them to settle their cow stomachs [which are like tanks btw].

9

You can’t use a hot drink for anything.

[This is the part about coffee and tea. So let me say, somewhere along the lines Mormons decided that the term 'hot drink' referred to coffee and tea. They take it on faith. There is no answer as to why 'hot drinks' = coffee and tea. It just does. It is assumed it is because of caffeine, however the Word of Wisdom has not been modified to specify caffeine so soda is still ok. Obviously soda is not good for you, so in many families it is discouraged, but not a sin. I met a man once who didn't eat chocolate because it contained caffeine. It's kinda up to the individual. However herb teas and hot cocoa are totally fine, even though they are served hot (I know, it doesn't make sense).]

10-11

Be grateful for fresh fruits and veggies!

12-13

Don’t grub on tons of meat. You know what, only eat meat in the winter, or during cold or famine. Let me say it one more time, only eat meat during famine!

[Ok, this is the one most Mormon's gloss over. In fact I have only met a couple Mormons that actually eat meat sparingly, and they are both doctors, and I think their dietary habits have more to do with medical knowledge than religious adherence.]

14-17

Grain is good for people, as well as animals (which don’t forget you shouldn’t eat animals unless you are totally desperate). Humans need grain. It’s the ‘staff of life’, but don’t forget about fruits and veggies. Ok, just in case your stupid, people like wheat, cows like corn, horses like oats, birds like rye, and everyone likes barely! [and Asians like rice]

18-21

Look, if y’all do this, y’all are going to have healthy belly-buttons and strong bones. You’ll be able to run faster and jump higher. You know what, if you do this, you’ll be able to do things you never thought you could do [in the bedroom (no just kidding, that seriously is not implied here, (but it's not not-implied!))] Bottom line, you’ll live longer!

[Ok, that's it. That's the Word of  Wisdom as it was taught to me.]

So, in my eyes Mormons aught to be (at the very least) vegetarian, many religions do it. Don’t ask me why Mormons don’t. It’s right there, repeated several times! And it’s not like this information is hidden from Mormons by some LDS conspiracy locked-up in the granite vaults never to be viewed again. It’s right there in everyone’s scriptures, and in a hymn (here’s a crappy version of, ‘In Our Lovely Deseret’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yaFZCDVDhE). Anyway feel free to read the real thing, or stop reading now if my explanation satisfies you.

Revelation given through Joseph Smith the Prophet, at Kirtland, Ohio, 27 February 1833 (see History of the Church, 1:327–29). As a consequence of the early brethren using tobacco in their meetings, the Prophet was led to ponder upon the matter; consequently, he inquired of the Lord concerning it. This revelation, known as the Word of Wisdom, was the result. Thefirst three verses were originally written as an inspired introduction and description by the Prophet.

1–9, The use of wine, strong drinks, tobacco, and hot drinks is proscribed;10–17, Herbs, fruits, flesh, and grain are ordained for the use of man and of animals; 18–21, Obedience to gospel law, including the Word of Wisdom, brings temporal and spiritual blessings.

 1 A ^aWord of Wisdom, for the benefit of the council of high priests, assembled in Kirtland, and the church, and also the saints in Zion—

 2 To be sent greeting; not by commandment or constraint, but by revelation and the ^aword of wisdom, showing forth the order and^bwill of God in the temporal salvation of all saints in the last days—

 3 Given for a principle with ^apromise, adapted to the capacity of the ^bweak and the weakest of all ^csaints, who are or can be called saints.

 4 Behold, verily, thus saith the Lord unto you: In consequence of^aevils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of^bconspiring men in the last days, I have ^cwarned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation—

 5 That inasmuch as any man ^adrinketh ^bwine or strong drink among you, behold it is not good, neither meet in the sight of your Father, only in assembling yourselves together to offer up your sacraments before him.

 6 And, behold, this should be wine, yea, ^apure wine of the grape of the vine, of your own make.

 7 And, again, ^astrong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies.

 8 And again, tobacco is not for the ^abody, neither for the belly, and is not good for man, but is an herb for bruises and all sick cattle, to be used with judgment and skill.

 9 And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly.

 10 And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome ^aherbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man—

 11 Every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof; all these to be used with ^aprudence and ^bthanksgiving.

 12 Yea, ^aflesh also of ^bbeasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used ^csparingly;

 13 And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be ^aused, only in times of winter, or of cold, or ^bfamine.

 14 All ^agrain is ordained for the use of man and of beasts, to be the staff of life, not only for man but for the beasts of the field, and the fowls of heaven, and all wild animals that run or creep on the earth;

 15 And ^athese hath God made for the use of man only in times of famine and excess of hunger.

 16 All grain is good for the ^afood of man; as also the ^bfruit of the vine; that which yieldeth fruit, whether in the ground or above the ground—

 17 Nevertheless, wheat for man, and corn for the ox, and oats for the horse, and rye for the fowls and for swine, and for all beasts of the field, and barley for all useful animals, and for mild drinks, as also other grain.

 18 And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, ^ashall receive ^bhealthin their navel and marrow to their bones;

 19 And shall ^afind ^bwisdom and great ^ctreasures of ^dknowledge, even hidden treasures;

 20 And shall ^arun and not be ^bweary, and shall walk and not faint.

 21 And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the^adestroying angel shall ^bpass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them. Amen.