Viva Las Kolob

Kolob is the star or planet that is nearest the throne of god (I know right, starting to sound kinda Scientology-ie). Don't worry this isn't something Mormons really spend a lot of time thinking about. In fact they kinda just throw it in the junk drawer of their memory and every once and awhile find it and say, "oh yeah, I remember that." and then quickly throw it back in and forget about it. I personally was never taught that this is where god lives, although many Anti-Mormon dicks assume this.

Here's where our buddy Joe Smith got it from:

So, I know what you're thinking, "Why didn't Brother Jack (me) just show this picture from the beginning? It clears up everything. Now I know everything there is to know about Kolob. It's not weird at all!" For those of y'all thinking that, bare with me as I break it down a little.
See right there in the middle, the little number 1? That's Kolob.
Now is it an actual physical place? Or does star just refer to a soul? Kinda like Lucifer being a star fallen from heaven.
If you think the first then Kolob has to be the center of the Universe, or at least the Galaxy. It is the star that governs all other stars. So our sun revolves around Kolob, as do many other stars. This also means that god has a physical throne somewhere where he likes to sit and watch us fight and have sex and worry about Mayan prophecies.
If you think this might be a metaphor for something, doesn't it seem likely that it would be Jesus who is nearest the throne of god and governs all the other stars (souls/people).
Anyway there are plenty of Mos that believe both things, so it's a little tricky. But to me this is no harder to believe than Jonah or Noah or Elijah (they're all hard to believe).
Oh, and by the way, Kolob is the inspiration for Battlestar Galactica's Kobol! Tricky Mormons slipping bits of their doctrine into TV shows. There are more BSG/Mormon similarities, but I'm just talking about Kolob in this post, so check it out somewhere else, cause I don't think I'll ever write about it.

Patriarchal Fortune Tellers

So Mormons shy away from things like Tarot Cards, Palm Readers, Fortune Tellers and in general would call all of those things either a scam or some kind of devilish deception. However, a rose by any other name will still be vague and horoscopie. Which is how I felt about the Patriarchal Blessing. So let me break it down for those of you who don't know. This of course was my experience.
I actually can't remember the exact content of mine, as I haven't looked at it in a really long time. But I do remember the day. I showed up at the Patriarch's house kinda early, maybe around 9:00 am -ish, with my parents. The Patriarch (who I used to deliver newspapers to) is a super nice guy, no the less tells me about the last time he gave a blessing to one of my family members. As a little brother I kinda got irritated with the always being compared to my siblings. Regardless, he starts telling me how important and sacred this experience is, blah blah blah. Then he switches on an (even back then) old ass tape-recorder. Walks behind the chair I'm sitting in, places his hands on my head and starts. Like any blessing he states my name and that he is doing it through the Melchizedek Priesthood, then he just starts describing the day, and the valley in Utah where I grew up. As a (I can't remember exactly but) 15 year old I wanted to start hearing shit about my future, I didn't want to start hearing about the the weather forecast. So I started to get a little irritated. Then when he finally gets to the dirt, it's just basically what I have been told growing up. What I already knew I should work towards, and what he knew I was working towards. Other things were just a little vague and might apply to a lot of people.
So we finish and the only question on my mind is when do I get to see the blessing? He says he has to send it to the church office buildings and I can expect to have it in something like 8 weeks.
So I'm feeling kinda weird and irritated about the whole experience and he, being a wood working enthusiast, gave me a pen he made and told me to keep a journal. I got in the car and went home with my parents feeling a little disappointed about the whole thing.