Utah Mormons vs The World

To anyone who is not LDS it might seem a little odd there is a difference between Utah-Mormon and every other Mormon. Well there is. In fact if you can tell the difference between the two you'd probably prefer the regular Mormon over the Utah-Mormon, most people do.

Many Mormon's hate Utah-Mormons. You'd think that everyone would be scratchin' to get into Utah. Mormons out side of Utah must feel like Red Wolves roaming their whole lives without finding any ass to sniff and never getting to know what wolfie-style is. Mormons are only about 1.5 - 2 % of the US population (this stat includes the 1.8 million Mormons living in Utah so the likelihood of finding a Mormon outside of Utah is even less), so why would you hate on a place that could provide you with the most options for Mormon friends, entertainment, literature, temples, modest clothing, businesses that observe the Sabbath, strict liquor laws, proximity to churches, a spouse (Not to mention the landscape of Utah fucking rules!!!).   

Because Utah Mormons forget about everyone else, and cannot relate to them in any way. Utah Mormons hate it when regular Mormons say they had it tough, and it's harder to be Mormon outside of Utah. Mormons everywhere often have an unspoken righteousness pissing competition. Utah Mormons come across lazy to Mormons living everywhere else because they are not as 'in the world' as Utah Mormons. Utah Mormons automatically assume other Mormons are simply jealous and that is why they act the way they do. Both think they're better than the other. 

In rural Utah, in towns like the one I grew up in, the percentage of the population that is Mormon is ridiculously high! In these places the people really are trapped in a bubble. My town has no coffee shops, no liquor stores, and no tattoo parlors. Only a very few people sneak to the grocery store on Sundays, and most businesses aren't open at all. In high school I worked at a grocery store that was closed Sundays and required a BYU like dress and grooming code because it is owned by Mormons.

In high school when a boy was using a urinal, a common joke was to say, "Hey Jack, if you shake it more than three times you have to talk to the bishop." It is very likely that you go to church with your teachers. One time I was driving home on the freeway and got stuck behind a semi in one lane and a someone barely pushing the minimum speed limit in the other. I had just been to Europe where it is perfectly ok to flash your lights and give a little honk to tell people to get the hell out of the way. I don't remember why I was in a hurry, but I was and I decided to try this little trick to see if it worked. It didn't really work but eventually I got around them and sped off to home. The next Sunday as Testimony meeting and the woman I flashed my lights at told the congregation about the rude, inconsiderate, vial, reckless maniac in the car that she recognized as belonging to someone in the congregation who she had thought, up until that point was a good person. And how disappointed she was to find out I was a scumbag. 

Forget about buying condoms or a pregnancy test in small town Utah. Everyone will know about it and your Bishop will call you up to see if you have anything to confess. Utah Mormons may have somethings easier than other Mormons, but they also have the ever present Big Brother eye of nosy neighbors and judgmental dicks.  

The Plan

So, here is the Plan of Salvation, aka The Plan of Happiness. Refer to this cute drawing as much as possible during my description.

A long time ago Heavenly Father said, "Y'all need bodies like this sweet one I've got, but the process is complicated. If we decide to do this, some of you wont be coming back. Mortal bodies are subject to temptation, and if you sin you can't come back. Here's the catch, when you get your mortal body, you're not going to remember this conversation."

So Lucifer says, "Don't worry Pops. I'll make sure everyone comes back, because I will make them do what is right. But I want the credit and glory for doing so."

The Jesus (the brown-noser) says, "I'll live perfectly and atone for everyone's sins, and the glory will be yours Daddio!"

So this gets everyone good and pissed and a spiritual war breaks out. Thanks to Michael's fiery sword of destruction, Jesus' side wins, and Lucifer and his peeps get kicked out and sent to Earth never to receive a body.

(spoiler alert) Since you were born, it means you fought on Jesus' side. 

As the illustration indicates when you come to Earth you pass though the veil of forget-i-ness, and your test begins. Hopefully you chose to be Mormon, and go to the temple for all your ancestors, because eventually you will die. Your body goes into the ground to wait for the resurrection, and your spirit goes to either Spirit Prison or Spirit Paradise (both are sill on Earth). 

In the Spirit World people will continue to learn and do missionary work and if you decide there that you want to be Mormon cool, you can be (assuming someone living goes to the temple for you)(if no one does, don't worry, that shit will be straightened out during the millennium).

Then the resurrection. Everyone born is also resurrected. Which means your crappy mortal body gets turned into a bad-ass glorified immortal body and is reunited with your spirit.

Then we get judged. Pretty self-explanatory. If you're a dick your whole life, that might be something that gets brought up at your judgement. 

If you're Mormon, and did everything you're supposed to do. You go to the Celestial Kingdom. If you aren't Mormon but still a good person you go to the Terrestrial Kingdom. And everyone else goes to the Telestial Kingdom, that's right, ever murderers and rapists.

In the 3 kingdoms you can travel around, but you can never go above where you were originally assigned. That means since my parents are good Mormons they can come down to visit me (since I'm a non-believer, but still an ok person) but I can't go up to visit them. We're told that the Telestial Kingdom isn't really that bad. Kinda like Earth is now, and it gets better from there.

There is something this cute little drawing doesn't show and that place is called Outer Darkness. You have to be a 'Son of Perdition' to go there, and that's really not very easy to do. We're told that the total of those who go there can be counted on one hand. You basically have to be a fallen prophet to qualify for Outer Darkness.

Good news, there is no Hell! No burning lakes of fire. No brimstone. No creepy clown demons like in the Spawn comics. There will just be an eternity of irony as you realize South Park was right and the only people in "Heaven" are the Mormons!!!