Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Utah Mormons vs The World

To anyone who is not LDS it might seem a little odd there is a difference between Utah-Mormon and every other Mormon. Well there is. In fact if you can tell the difference between the two you'd probably prefer the regular Mormon over the Utah-Mormon, most people do.
Many Mormon's hate Utah-Mormons. You'd think that everyone would be scratchin' to get into Utah. Mormons out side of Utah must feel like Red Wolves roaming their whole lives without finding any ass to sniff and never getting to know what wolfie-style is. Mormons are only about 1.5 - 2 % of the US population (this stat includes the 1.8 million Mormons living in Utah so the likelihood of finding a Mormon outside of Utah is even less), so why would you hate on a place that could provide you with the most options for Mormon friends, entertainment, literature, temples, modest clothing, businesses that observe the Sabbath, strict liquor laws, proximity to churches, a spouse (Not to mention the landscape of Utah fucking rules!!!).   
Because Utah Mormons forget about everyone else, and cannot relate to them in any way. Utah Mormons hate it when regular Mormons say they had it tough, and it's harder to be Mormon outside of Utah. Mormons everywhere often have an unspoken righteousness pissing competition. Utah Mormons come across lazy to Mormons living everywhere else because they are not as 'in the world' as Utah Mormons. Utah Mormons automatically assume other Mormons are simply jealous and that is why they act the way they do. Both think they're better than the other. 
In rural Utah, in towns like the one I grew up in, the percentage of the population that is Mormon is ridiculously high! In these places the people really are trapped in a bubble. My town has no coffee shops, no liquor stores, and no tattoo parlors. Only a very few people sneak to the grocery store on Sundays, and most businesses aren't open at all. In high school I worked at a grocery store that was closed Sundays and required a BYU like dress and grooming code because it is owned by Mormons.
In high school when a boy was using a urinal, a common joke was to say, "Hey Jack, if you shake it more than three times you have to talk to the bishop." It is very likely that you go to church with your teachers. One time I was driving home on the freeway and got stuck behind a semi in one lane and a someone barely pushing the minimum speed limit in the other. I had just been to Europe where it is perfectly ok to flash your lights and give a little honk to tell people to get the hell out of the way. I don't remember why I was in a hurry, but I was and I decided to try this little trick to see if it worked. It didn't really work but eventually I got around them and sped off to home. The next Sunday as Testimony meeting and the woman I flashed my lights at told the congregation about the rude, inconsiderate, vial, reckless maniac in the car that she recognized as belonging to someone in the congregation who she had thought, up until that point was a good person. And how disappointed she was to find out I was a scumbag. 
Forget about buying condoms or a pregnancy test in small town Utah. Everyone will know about it and your Bishop will call you up to see if you have anything to confess. Utah Mormons may have somethings easier than other Mormons, but they also have the ever present Big Brother eye of nosy neighbors and judgmental dicks.  


  1. Haha how true!!! --- That is hilarious about the testimony meeting hahah. I love Utah for many reasons but Big Brother isn't one of them.

  2. On my mission we went to a service project with some of the local ward members. The people we were doing the project for (not being LDS) served us "refreshments" including Coke. Many of the missionaries drank it without giving it a second thought. Well a few days later, we started hearing things from the members who had been there about how they were shocked to see missionaries drinking Coke. And keep in mind that this was outside of Utah.

    Along those same lines, I sometimes bump into a ward member at the store on Sunday and, without fail, they proceed to explain to me all about why they need to shop on Sunday. I get a kick out of it. They are just terrified that I am going to go squeal on them to the bishop.

  3. HA! That is awesome!! hahaha. I remember ordering coffee for the first time, or going into the local cafe and worrying that someone would see me lol. People in Utah... we really are our own little world aren't we?

  4. I felt like a pastor in a porn shop the first time I bought my non-perscription, gentile underwear!

  5. that reminds me of a story. a friend of mine didn't know what to do with her G's after she quite being Mormon. (You know, because you are suppose to retire you G's in a special way, and that stuck in her head.) So she floated them down the jordan river. hahaha