Utah Mormons vs The World

To anyone who is not LDS it might seem a little odd there is a difference between Utah-Mormon and every other Mormon. Well there is. In fact if you can tell the difference between the two you'd probably prefer the regular Mormon over the Utah-Mormon, most people do.

Many Mormon's hate Utah-Mormons. You'd think that everyone would be scratchin' to get into Utah. Mormons out side of Utah must feel like Red Wolves roaming their whole lives without finding any ass to sniff and never getting to know what wolfie-style is. Mormons are only about 1.5 - 2 % of the US population (this stat includes the 1.8 million Mormons living in Utah so the likelihood of finding a Mormon outside of Utah is even less), so why would you hate on a place that could provide you with the most options for Mormon friends, entertainment, literature, temples, modest clothing, businesses that observe the Sabbath, strict liquor laws, proximity to churches, a spouse (Not to mention the landscape of Utah fucking rules!!!).   

Because Utah Mormons forget about everyone else, and cannot relate to them in any way. Utah Mormons hate it when regular Mormons say they had it tough, and it's harder to be Mormon outside of Utah. Mormons everywhere often have an unspoken righteousness pissing competition. Utah Mormons come across lazy to Mormons living everywhere else because they are not as 'in the world' as Utah Mormons. Utah Mormons automatically assume other Mormons are simply jealous and that is why they act the way they do. Both think they're better than the other. 

In rural Utah, in towns like the one I grew up in, the percentage of the population that is Mormon is ridiculously high! In these places the people really are trapped in a bubble. My town has no coffee shops, no liquor stores, and no tattoo parlors. Only a very few people sneak to the grocery store on Sundays, and most businesses aren't open at all. In high school I worked at a grocery store that was closed Sundays and required a BYU like dress and grooming code because it is owned by Mormons.

In high school when a boy was using a urinal, a common joke was to say, "Hey Jack, if you shake it more than three times you have to talk to the bishop." It is very likely that you go to church with your teachers. One time I was driving home on the freeway and got stuck behind a semi in one lane and a someone barely pushing the minimum speed limit in the other. I had just been to Europe where it is perfectly ok to flash your lights and give a little honk to tell people to get the hell out of the way. I don't remember why I was in a hurry, but I was and I decided to try this little trick to see if it worked. It didn't really work but eventually I got around them and sped off to home. The next Sunday as Testimony meeting and the woman I flashed my lights at told the congregation about the rude, inconsiderate, vial, reckless maniac in the car that she recognized as belonging to someone in the congregation who she had thought, up until that point was a good person. And how disappointed she was to find out I was a scumbag. 

Forget about buying condoms or a pregnancy test in small town Utah. Everyone will know about it and your Bishop will call you up to see if you have anything to confess. Utah Mormons may have somethings easier than other Mormons, but they also have the ever present Big Brother eye of nosy neighbors and judgmental dicks.