Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Viva Las Kolob

Kolob is the star or planet that is nearest the throne of god (I know right, starting to sound kinda Scientology-ie). Don't worry this isn't something Mormons really spend a lot of time thinking about. In fact they kinda just throw it in the junk drawer of their memory and every once and awhile find it and say, "oh yeah, I remember that." and then quickly throw it back in and forget about it. I personally was never taught that this is where god lives, although many Anti-Mormon dicks assume this.
Here's where our buddy Joe Smith got it from:
So, I know what you're thinking, "Why didn't Brother Jack (me) just show this picture from the beginning? It clears up everything. Now I know everything there is to know about Kolob. It's not weird at all!" For those of y'all thinking that, bare with me as I break it down a little.
See right there in the middle, the little number 1? That's Kolob.
Now is it an actual physical place? Or does star just refer to a soul? Kinda like Lucifer being a star fallen from heaven.
If you think the first then Kolob has to be the center of the Universe, or at least the Galaxy. It is the star that governs all other stars. So our sun revolves around Kolob, as do many other stars. This also means that god has a physical throne somewhere where he likes to sit and watch us fight and have sex and worry about Mayan prophecies.
If you think this might be a metaphor for something, doesn't it seem likely that it would be Jesus who is nearest the throne of god and governs all the other stars (souls/people).
Anyway there are plenty of Mos that believe both things, so it's a little tricky. But to me this is no harder to believe than Jonah or Noah or Elijah (they're all hard to believe).
Oh, and by the way, Kolob is the inspiration for Battlestar Galactica's Kobol! Tricky Mormons slipping bits of their doctrine into TV shows. There are more BSG/Mormon similarities, but I'm just talking about Kolob in this post, so check it out somewhere else, cause I don't think I'll ever write about it.


  1. Never quite understood why Antis are so into Kolob as the name of a star. They SOOOOOOO want that to be the name of a planet that God lives on rather than a star, most of the time they just lie and say it is. We both know Kolob is way cooler of a name than ST56 or some lame name that most stars have. Kolob is cool.

  2. Kolob is lame. not as a name (i agree way cooler than naming a planet a number and letter configuration like picking a password). but lame in the idea. it is, which is lame as a a mule (did i just give away that i was raised in a small farming town [mules are a combination of horses and donkeys, they are infertile and huge] if a mule becomes lame it is even more useless than a lame horse, cuz its penis wont work. it becomes a huge invaluable dick!!! just like Kolob. i do have to agree i don't understand why anti-mos are so against Kolob,.its a place, like heaven is a place, but not heaven. how hard is that to grasp? i'm not saying its true, but graspable. as an ex-mo i recently became offended (again) at the assumption that mos aren't real Christians. Mos are Christians to the 3rd degree. Mos aren't Christians at Easter they are 366 days of the year!! (notice i included leap years). brother Jack (me) and brother Joe (Joseph smith) got this lot from some Egyptian doodle. but it doesnt make the myth less true-ish.