Sunday, April 1, 2012

Dear John

Since the Salt Lake Tribune just had an article about this I figure I should weigh in my 2 cents on the subject.
When I was a missionary, I didn’t get one of these because my girlfriend had the decency to dump me before I left.
When a culture turns something like a Dear John letter into a commonly used verb, you know that it occurs way too often. Also who are these brainless missionaries that actually think that their girlfriends will be there when they get back. You left and your girlfriend went to college. College! So I really only see 1 of 2 things happening. Either she’s gonna bang someone, in which case she’s not a good Mormon. Or, she’s going to plan to bang someone (in other words get engaged). Either way, she’s gone.
Heaven help the missionary whose GF is going to BYU. That place is designed, not for higher education, but to sexually frustrate Mormon twenty-somethings to the point that they will get married just so they can have sex.
Plus at BYU you’ve got nothing but returned missionaries who were probably Dear Johned themselves. Talk about someone who really doesn’t give a shit when a girl says she’s dating a missionary. All of a sudden he becomes like Reese from Terminator. He realizes the past is the future and he must pursue this girl because if he hadn’t been Dear Johned he would have never met her, and the Dear John she writes will continue the time loop.
My point is the whole Dear John thing is a little silly. It’s not like this is WWI and all these kids have is a picture of their sweetie to get them through their long nights of fear in the trenches.
I say all Mormon missionaries should be required to break up with anyone they’re dating before they leave. If she feels like waiting around for you she will. Otherwise it’s just a waste of ink.


  1. Amen, Amen, Amen! BYU is nothing but a glorified dating service. And you're spot on that students there are so sexually frustrated that they will run to the temple so they can have sex.

    You won't believe what happened to me. I dated a girl a little in high school and had very strong feelings for her. She was never my girlfriend, but we wrote on my mission and she told me to "pray about marriage". I did just that.

    When I got home, the first thing I did was go to see her. We were going to a dance. I hadn't been at her house for ten minutes when there was a knock at her door... her boyfriend that she completely neglected to tell me she had.

    WTH? She dragged me to this dance with her boyfriend. Why would she write me and tell me she loved me and to pray about marriage if she never intended to follow through?

    I've had strong feelings for her for many years but have recently realized that she has never given me one reason to even remotely like her. All she ever did to me was break my heart.

  2. Damn 411! That sucks! But it is an AWESOME story. I don't know if it is about Mormons though as much as it sheds light on the misery witchy women can cause. However, chicks+prayer (does in fact) = a more painful heartbreak. I'll bare my testimony about that any day!

  3. Dear Jack,

    I would like to offer you the opportunity to review my controversial new novel release, A Mormon Massacre, available on Amazon. Here is a little information about the book:

    This modern-day novel is informed by the actual massacre of 150 innocent Americans allegedly by Mormon zealots in the Utah Territory in September of 1857. This reigned as the largest mass slaughter of Americans by Americans until the Oklahoma City bombing, excluding the Civil War. In present-day Nashville, Tennessee, Jeremiah Cameron grows up with a prejudice against the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for the murders in 1857. Many Camerons died at the hands of Mormon assassins at Mountain Meadows.

    Jeremiah’s hatred multiplies when his father, Luke, informs him that his mother suffered abuse at the hands of her Mormon husband after being forced into marriage at twelve years old. Due to his father’s association with the Mormon Victim’s Action Committee, Jeremiah gets an opportunity to go undercover in hopes of exposing Mormons as abusers. With his father’s encouragement and the knowledge of his mother’s horrific experience, Jeremiah accepts M-VAC’s offer to train and insert him into an LDS community.

    Jeremiah’s objective broadens when he sees more than he expected. Now he wants to expose the entire Church as a violent and dangerous fraud.

    If you are interested, please email me at and let me know which format you would prefer. Electronic formats only, please. Thank you.

    Joe Rinaldo