Monday, April 23, 2012

Magic Underwear

Now, I've seen women wear underwear that definitely made 'magic' happen. I tell you what, the Mormon garments do not have the same effect. The magic knickers are supposed to remind people of the covenants they've made in the temple, but they also serve as a locator to determine what is 'modest' and there for become the un-sexiest britches ever!.
If an individual is doing everything they're supposed to then the garments are both a physical and spiritual armor against evil. I think the most common Urban-Mormon Legend is of someone getting badly burned, and the burns stopped at the garments (which honestly if my face gets burned off one day, I'm not going to give a shit about my other body parts (well, save 1)). There are of course variations on that story but that's the jist of it. Everyone has an Uncle whose friend this happened to.
I think my favorite thing about the G's are the 4 S's. Showering, Swimming, Sex and Sports. The 4 times you're allowed to take off your Jesus Jammies. All wonderful justifications to whip your shirt off and show off your awesome farmer's tan!
Now I don't feel like going into the boring details about what the markings symbolize. If you wanna know go to wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temple_garment. Instead, I'm going to talk about the things that are  taught about them. For example an old timer told me that the ladies garments used to have a fly. This perplexing feature raised a question, why would the lady's garments have a fly? The only reason is that 1 of the 4 S's might actually required the deed to be done with the garments on. Honestly, what was Joe thinking! Here he comes up with this great idea,"I'm gonna have me a shit load of wives!" and then he goes and takes all the fun out of having a harem. Now, don't get me wrong, a passionate jam with some clothes still on will happen from time to time but it shouldn't be the standard. Now Mormons don't teach that this was the purpose of the woman's fly, but the garment markings are symbolic, so why would they put on a useless feature? Also I don't know if that is even true. Old men like to tell stories.
Now here is my defense for the often scoffed at bulky undies. So so so many religions have sacred garments. Hasidic Jews for example. They have changed and changed the garments so that they will accommodate the LDS people's life-styles and still retain it's symbolic value. Summer garments, winter garments, military garments. I don't think it makes the religion true, but there is something comforting to know there is flexibility with some of the rules.
Honestly, I never understood why people cared so much about the 'magic underwear'. I suppose because Mormons are instructed to not show people, and keep the sacred symbols secret. But has it ever dawned on anyone that the real reason Mormon's don't show people their G's is that they are ugly as hell?!



6 comments:

  1. No G's for me please, thanks. How long after you 'left' did you take off your G's? I didn't have a good opinion of them from a young age. I was terrified that I would accidentally drop them on the floor (mom told me that was bad). I did hear a story from my great-grandmother like the one you told above lol. Do you think that they would ever get rid of the G's?

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    1. No, they will never get ride of the G's.
      As for me, I stopped wearing them fairly soon after I had made up my mind to give it up. The tops were the first to go, and then the bottoms. No real reason why I didn't stop wearing both at the same time. Only that I was lazy, and didn't want to spend the money on new underwear.

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  2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC1VHMQmAUw The guy in the video who talks about the boat accident and his pants being burned off is J.W. Mariott of Mariott Hotels. It is interesting to note that he puts Book of Mormons in all of his hotel rooms AND provides a nice selection of adult pay per view movies. Stay at the Mariott and your choices are watch porn or read the Book of Mormon. Ironically, the LDS church accepts tithing money that was directly made from porn sales by the LDS Mariott family.

    I think, too, that a part of the reason why people are so interested in garments is because the Mormons make such a big deal of keeping it secret. There is just something about the forbidden.

    I took mine off about a year after I realized the church was not true. In part, it was because they were underwear and I didn't have any others. The first time I bought my Fruit of the Loom's at Walmart, I felt as uncomfortable as a hooker in church!

    In the MTC, a bunch of us left garments on the floor and when we returned to our room after all day in class, we got majorly reamed out. I was terrified that they were going to send us all home.

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  3. This really helped me understand the whole garments thing. No one's ever really explained it to me, but that's probably because I never really asked. So thanks, this was helpful! :D

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  4. I'm a Mormon and I think someone is bitter about the whole thing. I forgot the four s's and curiosity led me here. I think the way the Mormon church is set up is far greater than any other religion out there. First no paid priests and leaders so the money can go to food for poor families like bishops stir house and helping with bills if someone can't pay them. Secondly we care about all people in and out of the church which means we help others move from home to home and with coming to church. If someone stops coming we encourage and help the realize they are loved no matter what. So to conclude I don't care for you my brother you are a poor looser and you blame the church for being what it is and you will never understand that you can't take responsibility for not realizing you have just down trotted over a group of people over there clothing choice because your a horny waste of space. Now sir take a step back and find some who can love you the way your family did cause you just dishonored yourself here.

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