Among the myths surrounding Mormons, this is easily my favorite. Hell, I wish I had horns, that would be bad ass. Before I get into the history behind this let me just say that Mormons everywhere, in and out of Utah would command so much more respect if we were at least roaming around like Darth Maul, or at best sportin’ prongs like the devil in ‘Legend’! Can you imagine? Those from Utah would never again have to answer the annoying question of, “Are you Mormon?” cuz the proof would be right there, menacingly in the faces of everyone who dares take a gander.
Anyway the best I can figure is this originated as a slam against Mos from Protestant leaders since Joseph Smith started talking about how wrong the Protestants were. However, my theory to the origins of this awesome rumor makes for a very short post so let me tell you some of the other origin theories.
In old England it was said that cuckolds have horns.
(This would be obviously in regards to the early Mormons being polygamists and therefore the women wound be the ones with horns. However a cuckold is supposed to be a man whose wife is unfaithful, so that doesn’t really work.)
Early copies of Encyclopedia Britannica stated that Mormons have horns.
(And early copies of Webster’s Dictionary define me as handsome with a monster cock. It’s true… I swear, next time you run across a dictionary from the 18(fucking)50′s don’t forget to look it up!)
There’s another story that says a drunken mob was on the opposite side of a river from an encampment of Church members. The mob was all pissed and shouting and being drunk. The poor little Mormons were scared, so one of the brothers went over to the edge of the river and shouted that if they came across the river they would be gored by their horns. Which supposedly worked and the mob left.
(First of all it was a mob, second they were drunk… so I’m pretty sure the mob’s response would have been something more like, “Fuck you and your horns!” “I’ll shove his horns right up his ass and make him watch while I fuck all 10 of his wives!” “Yeah lets get ‘em!”)
Anyway, I really wish this rumor was true. Except I’m sure my horns would have been a little on the small side and I would have of course convinced myslf that horn size and penis size have no corrolation. I’d love to hear more justifications/origin stories for this. However I’ll probably have to go back to church to get the really hard to believe stories!
