Jesus and Mary: So what’s going on between you two?

(Now this is definitely fringe doctrine. Let me make that clear. It debatable with in the LDS church.)

Q- Was Jesus married?

A- Yes!

Now let me tell you why many many Mormon’s think this. It’s actually quite rational (from their perspective).

First of all, heaven is a gradient of glory. Many people know of the 3 kingdoms or degrees of glory, but it’s even more complicated than that. Within each kingdom there are more degrees. So instead of the sun, moon, and stars analogy that is used within the church, they should adopt the ‘giant dimmer switch’ analogy that I use.

Next, Mormons believe in ordinances. The ordinance that most people can rap their heads around is baptism. However another ordinance that Mormons believe is necessary is what they call a sealing. Or in other words a ‘temple marriage’. Which is basically being married for eternity (there is no ’till death do you part’ or ‘as long as you both shall live’ line in the Mormon wedding ceremony).

So in very basic language, if you wanna go to the highest tier of heaven you have to have taken part in and accepted all of the ordinances that God says are necessary.

Jesus became the Savior because he was without sin. That is not disputed within Christianity. However without sin doesn’t just mean that he never cussed or stole anything. He also obeyed all of God’s commandments. One of which (according to Mormons) is eternal marriage. Also the only way Jesus could get to the highest degree of the Celestial kingdom was by being sealed to someone. Remember he wasn’t exempt from baptism, why would he be exempt from this.

So far I haven’t entered into the speculative doctrine yet. Everything above most Mormons (if they are active) will agree that they believe. Now, lets get into some of the debatable yet still widely believed stuff.

Evidence is clear that Jesus was tight with a certain family. Three of those family members are Mary Magdalene, Martha, and Lazarus. Mormons aren’t the first people to assume JC and Mary were hooked up, but the Mormon perspective of this relationship goes a little beyond what most protestants would call blasphemous.

(I’m not going to talk about if Mary was a whore, or if the 7 demons that Jesus cast out of her were the 7 deadly sins. It’s not important.)

Anything official about the JC/Mary relationship is not available. No one knows who Jesus married. That needs to be made perfectly clear. What I’m about to say is what many Mormons theory (personal belief) is about who Jesus married.

Here’s the thing, woman don’t get a lot of cred in the bible, everyone knows that. So for a woman to even be mentioned, she has to be pretty special, and Mary is mentioned a ton! She was present both at the cross (where she stayed after everyone (but John the beloved) had left) and was the first to witness JC’s resurrection. So most people put their money on Mary being Jesus’ wife. That’s understandable. Definitely explains why he brought her brother back to life. However, Mary was the youngest. She couldn’t very well get married and leave the older sister (Martha) as a bitchy old-maid. That would be shameful. So in some circles it is thought that maybe Jesus married both Mary and Martha. (Don’t forget, Mormons consider polygamy to be a true principal. They only stopped practicing it because it was against U.S. law, and Utah wanted to be a state. Though modern Mormons don’t currently practice polygamy, they still believe in it.)

I will say one last thing as I finish this post, most Mormons do not get hung up on if Jesus was married, to whom he was married, how many times he was married. They don’t care. Using the reasoning I started this post with, they assume he was married and leave it at that and don’t really think about it too much after that.

-Why am I writing this then, if Mormons don’t really care about it?

Because if you ask a Mormon, “Is it possible that Jesus was a polygamist married to both Mary and Martha?” They will say yes (If they know what they’re talking about).

The Deathly Delicious Funeral Potatoes!

When I was a kid, and my mom was relief society president I used to love funerals! Yes, it’s sad when people die, but I never knew them. I didn’t have to go to the funerals. I just got to reap the sweet sweet bounty of left over pot luck! The best of these is of course the appropriately named, ‘Funeral Potatoes’! Creamy, crunchy, I swear, the only time I ate corn flakes was when they were sprinkled on top of a casserole.
I remember one time my mama said she was going to Sister So-and-so’s funeral and my response was to eagerly shout, “Bring me back some potatoes!” Death really is a beautiful thing sometimes.
Even when I knew the person, and was supposed to be sad, the good eats distracted me from properly mourning. A high school classmate was murdered and after the funeral the somber reverence I felt was mainly directed toward the 5 different types of potato salad on my plate.
I have to say, Mormon pot lucks are the single greatest thing about being Mormon. And sadly to say, I don’t think it is something that is strictly a Mormon thing. Any community or group is bound to have some cheap, easy, not good for you yet tasty enough, food to feed many people.
It’s just that Mormons have so many reasons to get together after church on Sundays. Blessings, baptisms, confirmations, going on a mission, coming home from a mission, marriages, and then deaths. Don’t forget that Mormon families tend to be a bit larger than the National average. So that means the process is repeated several times. Just with family and friends and friends of the family and fellow church members it’s almost hard not to be obligated to go to someone’s house after church to eat their food.
Now I’m not willing to go back to being Mormon just so I can crash a bunch of pot luck parties, but I might go out and buy some potatoes and corn flakes and mushroom soup and see if I can’t recreate the magic in my own kitchen.

Dear John

Since the Salt Lake Tribune just had an article about this I figure I should weigh in my 2 cents on the subject.
When I was a missionary, I didn’t get one of these because my girlfriend had the decency to dump me before I left.
When a culture turns something like a Dear John letter into a commonly used verb, you know that it occurs way too often. Also who are these brainless missionaries that actually think that their girlfriends will be there when they get back. You left and your girlfriend went to college. College! So I really only see 1 of 2 things happening. Either she’s gonna bang someone, in which case she’s not a good Mormon. Or, she’s going to plan to bang someone (in other words get engaged). Either way, she’s gone.
Heaven help the missionary whose GF is going to BYU. That place is designed, not for higher education, but to sexually frustrate Mormon twenty-somethings to the point that they will get married just so they can have sex.
Plus at BYU you’ve got nothing but returned missionaries who were probably Dear Johned themselves. Talk about someone who really doesn’t give a shit when a girl says she’s dating a missionary. All of a sudden he becomes like Reese from Terminator. He realizes the past is the future and he must pursue this girl because if he hadn’t been Dear Johned he would have never met her, and the Dear John she writes will continue the time loop.
My point is the whole Dear John thing is a little silly. It’s not like this is WWI and all these kids have is a picture of their sweetie to get them through their long nights of fear in the trenches.

I say all Mormon missionaries should be required to break up with anyone they’re dating before they leave. If she feels like waiting around for you she will. Otherwise it’s just a waste of ink.