Showing posts with label Mormon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mormon. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Viva Las Kolob

Kolob is the star or planet that is nearest the throne of god (I know right, starting to sound kinda Scientology-ie). Don't worry this isn't something Mormons really spend a lot of time thinking about. In fact they kinda just throw it in the junk drawer of their memory and every once and awhile find it and say, "oh yeah, I remember that." and then quickly throw it back in and forget about it. I personally was never taught that this is where god lives, although many Anti-Mormon dicks assume this.
Here's where our buddy Joe Smith got it from:
So, I know what you're thinking, "Why didn't Brother Jack (me) just show this picture from the beginning? It clears up everything. Now I know everything there is to know about Kolob. It's not weird at all!" For those of y'all thinking that, bare with me as I break it down a little.
See right there in the middle, the little number 1? That's Kolob.
Now is it an actual physical place? Or does star just refer to a soul? Kinda like Lucifer being a star fallen from heaven.
If you think the first then Kolob has to be the center of the Universe, or at least the Galaxy. It is the star that governs all other stars. So our sun revolves around Kolob, as do many other stars. This also means that god has a physical throne somewhere where he likes to sit and watch us fight and have sex and worry about Mayan prophecies.
If you think this might be a metaphor for something, doesn't it seem likely that it would be Jesus who is nearest the throne of god and governs all the other stars (souls/people).
Anyway there are plenty of Mos that believe both things, so it's a little tricky. But to me this is no harder to believe than Jonah or Noah or Elijah (they're all hard to believe).
Oh, and by the way, Kolob is the inspiration for Battlestar Galactica's Kobol! Tricky Mormons slipping bits of their doctrine into TV shows. There are more BSG/Mormon similarities, but I'm just talking about Kolob in this post, so check it out somewhere else, cause I don't think I'll ever write about it.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Magic Underwear

Now, I've seen women wear underwear that definitely made 'magic' happen. I tell you what, the Mormon garments do not have the same effect. The magic knickers are supposed to remind people of the covenants they've made in the temple, but they also serve as a locator to determine what is 'modest' and there for become the un-sexiest britches ever!.
If an individual is doing everything they're supposed to then the garments are both a physical and spiritual armor against evil. I think the most common Urban-Mormon Legend is of someone getting badly burned, and the burns stopped at the garments (which honestly if my face gets burned off one day, I'm not going to give a shit about my other body parts (well, save 1)). There are of course variations on that story but that's the jist of it. Everyone has an Uncle whose friend this happened to.
I think my favorite thing about the G's are the 4 S's. Showering, Swimming, Sex and Sports. The 4 times you're allowed to take off your Jesus Jammies. All wonderful justifications to whip your shirt off and show off your awesome farmer's tan!
Now I don't feel like going into the boring details about what the markings symbolize. If you wanna know go to wikipedia Instead, I'm going to talk about the things that are  taught about them. For example an old timer told me that the ladies garments used to have a fly. This perplexing feature raised a question, why would the lady's garments have a fly? The only reason is that 1 of the 4 S's might actually required the deed to be done with the garments on. Honestly, what was Joe thinking! Here he comes up with this great idea,"I'm gonna have me a shit load of wives!" and then he goes and takes all the fun out of having a harem. Now, don't get me wrong, a passionate jam with some clothes still on will happen from time to time but it shouldn't be the standard. Now Mormons don't teach that this was the purpose of the woman's fly, but the garment markings are symbolic, so why would they put on a useless feature? Also I don't know if that is even true. Old men like to tell stories.
Now here is my defense for the often scoffed at bulky undies. So so so many religions have sacred garments. Hasidic Jews for example. They have changed and changed the garments so that they will accommodate the LDS people's life-styles and still retain it's symbolic value. Summer garments, winter garments, military garments. I don't think it makes the religion true, but there is something comforting to know there is flexibility with some of the rules.
Honestly, I never understood why people cared so much about the 'magic underwear'. I suppose because Mormons are instructed to not show people, and keep the sacred symbols secret. But has it ever dawned on anyone that the real reason Mormon's don't show people their G's is that they are ugly as hell?!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Word of Wisdom for Dummies (for the weak and the weakest of Saints)

Ok, so Mormons don’t drink alcohol, coffee and tea and don’t use tobacco. Most people know that part. Critics of the religion usually start crying hypocrisy because Mormons won’t drink coffee, but will drink Coke. However what is stressed a lot more than almost anything else is to avoid meat at all cost, yet eating meat is not a sin. [People if you're gonna call someone a hypocrite load your gun with the right ammo first!]  Below is my translation of the scriptures. The background info that I was taught growing up was that Brother Joseph was approached by his wife regarding members of the church spitting chewing tobacco on the floor, and that it was nasty.
verses 1-4
We’re gonna call this the ‘Word of Wisdom’, and it is God’s new decree to you because some of you can’t handle your shit! Also, there are people that might take advantage of you, so we’re gonna cover are bases with a few new rules.
Don’t drink alcohol. You can have a little bit for the sacrament (communion) but be sure you know where it came from, because no one likes you guys and they might poison it [it was later changed and Mormons use water as the blood of Christ now]. It’s ok to use alcohol but only to sanitize stuff.
Tobacco is not good for you. However, it is an herb, and can be used on bruises [I was also told it's good for bee stings] and I guess if your cows are sick you can give it to them to settle their cow stomachs [which are like tanks btw].
You can’t use a hot drink for anything.
[This is the part about coffee and tea. So let me say, somewhere along the lines Mormons decided that the term 'hot drink' referred to coffee and tea. They take it on faith. There is no answer as to why 'hot drinks' = coffee and tea. It just does. It is assumed it is because of caffeine, however the Word of Wisdom has not been modified to specify caffeine so soda is still ok. Obviously soda is not good for you, so in many families it is discouraged, but not a sin. I met a man once who didn't eat chocolate because it contained caffeine. It's kinda up to the individual. However herb teas and hot cocoa are totally fine, even though they are served hot (I know, it doesn't make sense).]
Be grateful for fresh fruits and veggies!
Don’t grub on tons of meat. You know what, only eat meat in the winter, or during cold or famine. Let me say it one more time, only eat meat during famine!
[Ok, this is the one most Mormon's gloss over. In fact I have only met a couple Mormons that actually eat meat sparingly, and they are both doctors, and I think their dietary habits have more to do with medical knowledge than religious adherence.]
Grain is good for people, as well as animals (which don’t forget you shouldn’t eat animals unless you are totally desperate). Humans need grain. It’s the ‘staff of life’, but don’t forget about fruits and veggies. Ok, just in case your stupid, people like wheat, cows like corn, horses like oats, birds like rye, and everyone likes barely! [and Asians like rice]
Look, if y’all do this, y’all are going to have healthy belly-buttons and strong bones. You’ll be able to run faster and jump higher. You know what, if you do this, you’ll be able to do things you never thought you could do [in the bedroom (no just kidding, that seriously is not implied here, (but it's not not-implied!))] Bottom line, you’ll live longer!
[Ok, that's it. That's the Word of  Wisdom as it was taught to me.]
So, in my eyes Mormons aught to be (at the very least) vegetarian, many religions do it. Don’t ask me why Mormons don’t. It’s right there, repeated several times! And it’s not like this information is hidden from Mormons by some LDS conspiracy locked-up in the granite vaults never to be viewed again. It’s right there in everyone’s scriptures, and in a hymn (here’s a crappy version of, ‘In Our Lovely Deseret’ Anyway feel free to read the real thing, or stop reading now if my explanation satisfies you.
Revelation given through Joseph Smith the Prophet, at Kirtland, Ohio, 27 February 1833 (see History of the Church, 1:327–29). As a consequence of the early brethren using tobacco in their meetings, the Prophet was led to ponder upon the matter; consequently, he inquired of the Lord concerning it. This revelation, known as the Word of Wisdom, was the result. Thefirst three verses were originally written as an inspired introduction and description by the Prophet.
1–9, The use of wine, strong drinks, tobacco, and hot drinks is proscribed;10–17, Herbs, fruits, flesh, and grain are ordained for the use of man and of animals; 18–21, Obedience to gospel law, including the Word of Wisdom, brings temporal and spiritual blessings.
 1 A aWord of Wisdom, for the benefit of the council of high priests, assembled in Kirtland, and the church, and also the saints in Zion—
 2 To be sent greeting; not by commandment or constraint, but by revelation and the aword of wisdom, showing forth the order andbwill of God in the temporal salvation of all saints in the last days—
 3 Given for a principle with apromise, adapted to the capacity of the bweak and the weakest of all csaints, who are or can be called saints.
 4 Behold, verily, thus saith the Lord unto you: In consequence ofaevils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts ofbconspiring men in the last days, I have cwarned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation—
 5 That inasmuch as any man adrinketh bwine or strong drink among you, behold it is not good, neither meet in the sight of your Father, only in assembling yourselves together to offer up your sacraments before him.
 6 And, behold, this should be wine, yea, apure wine of the grape of the vine, of your own make.
 7 And, again, astrong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies.
 8 And again, tobacco is not for the abody, neither for the belly, and is not good for man, but is an herb for bruises and all sick cattle, to be used with judgment and skill.
 9 And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly.
 10 And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome aherbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man—
 11 Every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof; all these to be used with aprudence and bthanksgiving.
 12 Yea, aflesh also of bbeasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used csparingly;
 13 And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be aused, only in times of winter, or of cold, or bfamine.
 14 All agrain is ordained for the use of man and of beasts, to be the staff of life, not only for man but for the beasts of the field, and the fowls of heaven, and all wild animals that run or creep on the earth;
 15 And athese hath God made for the use of man only in times of famine and excess of hunger.
 16 All grain is good for the afood of man; as also the bfruit of the vine; that which yieldeth fruit, whether in the ground or above the ground—
 17 Nevertheless, wheat for man, and corn for the ox, and oats for the horse, and rye for the fowls and for swine, and for all beasts of the field, and barley for all useful animals, and for mild drinks, as also other grain.
 18 And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, ashall receive bhealthin their navel and marrow to their bones;
 19 And shall afind bwisdom and great ctreasures of dknowledge, even hidden treasures;
 20 And shall arun and not be bweary, and shall walk and not faint.
 21 And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that theadestroying angel shall bpass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them. Amen.

Dear John

Since the Salt Lake Tribune just had an article about this I figure I should weigh in my 2 cents on the subject.
When I was a missionary, I didn’t get one of these because my girlfriend had the decency to dump me before I left.
When a culture turns something like a Dear John letter into a commonly used verb, you know that it occurs way too often. Also who are these brainless missionaries that actually think that their girlfriends will be there when they get back. You left and your girlfriend went to college. College! So I really only see 1 of 2 things happening. Either she’s gonna bang someone, in which case she’s not a good Mormon. Or, she’s going to plan to bang someone (in other words get engaged). Either way, she’s gone.
Heaven help the missionary whose GF is going to BYU. That place is designed, not for higher education, but to sexually frustrate Mormon twenty-somethings to the point that they will get married just so they can have sex.
Plus at BYU you’ve got nothing but returned missionaries who were probably Dear Johned themselves. Talk about someone who really doesn’t give a shit when a girl says she’s dating a missionary. All of a sudden he becomes like Reese from Terminator. He realizes the past is the future and he must pursue this girl because if he hadn’t been Dear Johned he would have never met her, and the Dear John she writes will continue the time loop.
My point is the whole Dear John thing is a little silly. It’s not like this is WWI and all these kids have is a picture of their sweetie to get them through their long nights of fear in the trenches.
I say all Mormon missionaries should be required to break up with anyone they’re dating before they leave. If she feels like waiting around for you she will. Otherwise it’s just a waste of ink.