Word of Wisdom for Dummies (for the weak and the weakest of Saints)

Ok, so Mormons don’t drink alcohol, coffee and tea and don’t use tobacco. Most people know that part. Critics of the religion usually start crying hypocrisy because Mormons won’t drink coffee, but will drink Coke. However what is stressed a lot more than almost anything else is to avoid meat at all cost, yet eating meat is not a sin. [People if you're gonna call someone a hypocrite load your gun with the right ammo first!]  Below is my translation of the scriptures. The background info that I was taught growing up was that Brother Joseph was approached by his wife regarding members of the church spitting chewing tobacco on the floor, and that it was nasty.

verses 1-4

We’re gonna call this the ‘Word of Wisdom’, and it is God’s new decree to you because some of you can’t handle your shit! Also, there are people that might take advantage of you, so we’re gonna cover are bases with a few new rules.

5-7

Don’t drink alcohol. You can have a little bit for the sacrament (communion) but be sure you know where it came from, because no one likes you guys and they might poison it [it was later changed and Mormons use water as the blood of Christ now]. It’s ok to use alcohol but only to sanitize stuff.

8

Tobacco is not good for you. However, it is an herb, and can be used on bruises [I was also told it's good for bee stings] and I guess if your cows are sick you can give it to them to settle their cow stomachs [which are like tanks btw].

9

You can’t use a hot drink for anything.

[This is the part about coffee and tea. So let me say, somewhere along the lines Mormons decided that the term 'hot drink' referred to coffee and tea. They take it on faith. There is no answer as to why 'hot drinks' = coffee and tea. It just does. It is assumed it is because of caffeine, however the Word of Wisdom has not been modified to specify caffeine so soda is still ok. Obviously soda is not good for you, so in many families it is discouraged, but not a sin. I met a man once who didn't eat chocolate because it contained caffeine. It's kinda up to the individual. However herb teas and hot cocoa are totally fine, even though they are served hot (I know, it doesn't make sense).]

10-11

Be grateful for fresh fruits and veggies!

12-13

Don’t grub on tons of meat. You know what, only eat meat in the winter, or during cold or famine. Let me say it one more time, only eat meat during famine!

[Ok, this is the one most Mormon's gloss over. In fact I have only met a couple Mormons that actually eat meat sparingly, and they are both doctors, and I think their dietary habits have more to do with medical knowledge than religious adherence.]

14-17

Grain is good for people, as well as animals (which don’t forget you shouldn’t eat animals unless you are totally desperate). Humans need grain. It’s the ‘staff of life’, but don’t forget about fruits and veggies. Ok, just in case your stupid, people like wheat, cows like corn, horses like oats, birds like rye, and everyone likes barely! [and Asians like rice]

18-21

Look, if y’all do this, y’all are going to have healthy belly-buttons and strong bones. You’ll be able to run faster and jump higher. You know what, if you do this, you’ll be able to do things you never thought you could do [in the bedroom (no just kidding, that seriously is not implied here, (but it's not not-implied!))] Bottom line, you’ll live longer!

[Ok, that's it. That's the Word of  Wisdom as it was taught to me.]

So, in my eyes Mormons aught to be (at the very least) vegetarian, many religions do it. Don’t ask me why Mormons don’t. It’s right there, repeated several times! And it’s not like this information is hidden from Mormons by some LDS conspiracy locked-up in the granite vaults never to be viewed again. It’s right there in everyone’s scriptures, and in a hymn (here’s a crappy version of, ‘In Our Lovely Deseret’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yaFZCDVDhE). Anyway feel free to read the real thing, or stop reading now if my explanation satisfies you.

Revelation given through Joseph Smith the Prophet, at Kirtland, Ohio, 27 February 1833 (see History of the Church, 1:327–29). As a consequence of the early brethren using tobacco in their meetings, the Prophet was led to ponder upon the matter; consequently, he inquired of the Lord concerning it. This revelation, known as the Word of Wisdom, was the result. Thefirst three verses were originally written as an inspired introduction and description by the Prophet.

1–9, The use of wine, strong drinks, tobacco, and hot drinks is proscribed;10–17, Herbs, fruits, flesh, and grain are ordained for the use of man and of animals; 18–21, Obedience to gospel law, including the Word of Wisdom, brings temporal and spiritual blessings.

 1 A ^aWord of Wisdom, for the benefit of the council of high priests, assembled in Kirtland, and the church, and also the saints in Zion—

 2 To be sent greeting; not by commandment or constraint, but by revelation and the ^aword of wisdom, showing forth the order and^bwill of God in the temporal salvation of all saints in the last days—

 3 Given for a principle with ^apromise, adapted to the capacity of the ^bweak and the weakest of all ^csaints, who are or can be called saints.

 4 Behold, verily, thus saith the Lord unto you: In consequence of^aevils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of^bconspiring men in the last days, I have ^cwarned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation—

 5 That inasmuch as any man ^adrinketh ^bwine or strong drink among you, behold it is not good, neither meet in the sight of your Father, only in assembling yourselves together to offer up your sacraments before him.

 6 And, behold, this should be wine, yea, ^apure wine of the grape of the vine, of your own make.

 7 And, again, ^astrong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies.

 8 And again, tobacco is not for the ^abody, neither for the belly, and is not good for man, but is an herb for bruises and all sick cattle, to be used with judgment and skill.

 9 And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly.

 10 And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome ^aherbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man—

 11 Every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof; all these to be used with ^aprudence and ^bthanksgiving.

 12 Yea, ^aflesh also of ^bbeasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used ^csparingly;

 13 And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be ^aused, only in times of winter, or of cold, or ^bfamine.

 14 All ^agrain is ordained for the use of man and of beasts, to be the staff of life, not only for man but for the beasts of the field, and the fowls of heaven, and all wild animals that run or creep on the earth;

 15 And ^athese hath God made for the use of man only in times of famine and excess of hunger.

 16 All grain is good for the ^afood of man; as also the ^bfruit of the vine; that which yieldeth fruit, whether in the ground or above the ground—

 17 Nevertheless, wheat for man, and corn for the ox, and oats for the horse, and rye for the fowls and for swine, and for all beasts of the field, and barley for all useful animals, and for mild drinks, as also other grain.

 18 And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, ^ashall receive ^bhealthin their navel and marrow to their bones;

 19 And shall ^afind ^bwisdom and great ^ctreasures of ^dknowledge, even hidden treasures;

 20 And shall ^arun and not be ^bweary, and shall walk and not faint.

 21 And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the^adestroying angel shall ^bpass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them. Amen.